suicide

I nearly left the earth today nearly skipped away to the grave
I nearly left you all alone and went away
I nearly said goodbye to my pain
My mind was finally at peace and stopped thinking
whilst in my attempt I had peace
a moment of clarity
but then the lights came on
I dream of death I see my death as clear as the sun and the sky
so why am I still fighting to win this war.
when it would be easier to give it all away
life is such a rollercoaster
such a struggle with the emotional blackmail
the days of yesterday still live like they are present.
why is suicide still a real option
that I can do and succeed
I cannot find the answers.

Inner turmoil v PEACE

My hearts breaking,
the turmoil inside
my stomach is cramping the nausia, the pain.
my inner turmoil hurts more than I can say
I feel like I have lost myself
a long time
I have been away
I dont know how to return the china doll
or put her back, whole, in pieces she lays
shes spread across, the table
if I put one piece in it doesnt quite fit
cos I have changed
I am different
the people I used to know
now seem shadows.
they say they want me back in their lives
my family say that too
but I can not accept that I am part of them again
I dont know if its my invisible illness or just my heart playing tricks of my
psych
but I feel lost
I am better to be on my own
I feel safe that way
I dont feel like i am rejected., cos for many years I was
if I stay safe away from them
I can protect myself from harm.
Its hard though cos I am not unlocking the triggers to the pain'
I have to go back and face it in order to let it go
but crying over it is just not an option I can do. My heart just wants to rest.
I dont rest though cos i beat myself up
and make myself face the consequences
im scared to go forth
the hope has disappeared
the pain is too great to bear.
suicide seems a plausable choice
but is it I who bears the pain of that
or am I leaving the pain
for everyone else to face
whilst i skip off
into
Peace