suicide

I nearly left the earth today nearly skipped away to the grave
I nearly left you all alone and went away
I nearly said goodbye to my pain
My mind was finally at peace and stopped thinking
whilst in my attempt I had peace
a moment of clarity
but then the lights came on
I dream of death I see my death as clear as the sun and the sky
so why am I still fighting to win this war.
when it would be easier to give it all away
life is such a rollercoaster
such a struggle with the emotional blackmail
the days of yesterday still live like they are present.
why is suicide still a real option
that I can do and succeed
I cannot find the answers.

Inner turmoil v PEACE

My hearts breaking,
the turmoil inside
my stomach is cramping the nausia, the pain.
my inner turmoil hurts more than I can say
I feel like I have lost myself
a long time
I have been away
I dont know how to return the china doll
or put her back, whole, in pieces she lays
shes spread across, the table
if I put one piece in it doesnt quite fit
cos I have changed
I am different
the people I used to know
now seem shadows.
they say they want me back in their lives
my family say that too
but I can not accept that I am part of them again
I dont know if its my invisible illness or just my heart playing tricks of my
psych
but I feel lost
I am better to be on my own
I feel safe that way
I dont feel like i am rejected., cos for many years I was
if I stay safe away from them
I can protect myself from harm.
Its hard though cos I am not unlocking the triggers to the pain'
I have to go back and face it in order to let it go
but crying over it is just not an option I can do. My heart just wants to rest.
I dont rest though cos i beat myself up
and make myself face the consequences
im scared to go forth
the hope has disappeared
the pain is too great to bear.
suicide seems a plausable choice
but is it I who bears the pain of that
or am I leaving the pain
for everyone else to face
whilst i skip off
into
Peace

borderline personality disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder

So this is what its like to have borderline
you struggle to understand your own mind
You say something and others interpret your words in a different way
what did you say
you are continually trying to understand
why you do the things you do
why did I buy this and couldnt let go of this
why are your friendships falling apart
why cant you leave that friend alone
give her space
instead you smother her. thinking that is friendship
when really you are scary to your friend
and she walks away.
You struggle to keep relationships
Your emotions are up and down and all the over the place
you feel like you are on a rollercoaster
a terrifying ride that never ends
You cry and you scream and you rant
but the pain you feel and the emptiness
remains inside you.
Nobody gets how you are feeling
mental health and professionals seise to realise whats going on
they do not know how to handle
they do not know what medication to give
what will make all your symptoms disappear
and give you a chance at a normal existence.
they talk of therapy
but thats so easy for them to say
not that easy for a borderline to do.
As you hate them in your space
you dont want to bring up the past due to the pain you feel
who wants to sit there and feel worse rather than better.
Alot of the time you give up and give professionals the flick
but then you end up in the hole
and the mire
you end up sinking.
making choices that drag you under
make you go backwards rather than forwards and
up towards having a better life.
So what is the answer for borderlines then.
I do not know every day is a continual struggle to stay alive
cos you dont want to be for you as the struggle just doesnt seem to be worth it
you forget sometimes about the ones around you
and do your own thing.
You feel so disconnected
the pain is so great.
nobody can understand your battle
except your brothers and sisters aligned in the same battle

By Tasha Dalia.